Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
the bottom
This is it. I've hit the null point.
I'm a complete, utter wreck. I'm a drunk. I don't appreciate the people that love me, that care about my well being, that care enough to tell me that they are concerned. I have no ambition, can't pull myself out of a shitty work situation to find something better.
Everything that I do feels empty, hollow, fake. It's as though all I do is do things so I can tell other people about what I did. Nothing seems to have any meaning to me.
I'm a liar, a cheater, a fraud. I have hurt people that love me, people that have given me chance upon chance upon chance to prove that i might actually be a better person that i actually am.
I have nothing left. It's a very hard thing to come to understand that I really am as bad of a person as has been said in anger.
I'm a complete, utter wreck. I'm a drunk. I don't appreciate the people that love me, that care about my well being, that care enough to tell me that they are concerned. I have no ambition, can't pull myself out of a shitty work situation to find something better.
Everything that I do feels empty, hollow, fake. It's as though all I do is do things so I can tell other people about what I did. Nothing seems to have any meaning to me.
I'm a liar, a cheater, a fraud. I have hurt people that love me, people that have given me chance upon chance upon chance to prove that i might actually be a better person that i actually am.
I have nothing left. It's a very hard thing to come to understand that I really am as bad of a person as has been said in anger.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
There is no answer
Blood Meridians's Epilogue:
In the dawn there is a man progressing over the plain by means of holes which he is making in the ground. He uses an implement with two handles and he chucks it into the hole and he enkindles the stone in the hole with his steel hole by hole striking the fire out of the rock which God has put there. On the plain behind him are the wanderers in search of bones and those who do not search and they move haltingly in the light like mechanisms whose movements are monitored with escapement and pallet so that they appear restrained by a prudence or reflectiveness which has no inner reality and they cross in their progress one by one that track of holes that runs to the rim of the visible ground and which seems less the pursuit of some continuance than the verification of a principle, a validation of sequence and causality as if each round and perfect hole owed its existence to the one before it there on that prairie upon which are the bones and the gatherers of bones and those who do not gather. He strikes fire in the hole and draws out his steel. Then they all move on again.
In the end, it all means nothing anyway. The answer is that there is no answer.
In the dawn there is a man progressing over the plain by means of holes which he is making in the ground. He uses an implement with two handles and he chucks it into the hole and he enkindles the stone in the hole with his steel hole by hole striking the fire out of the rock which God has put there. On the plain behind him are the wanderers in search of bones and those who do not search and they move haltingly in the light like mechanisms whose movements are monitored with escapement and pallet so that they appear restrained by a prudence or reflectiveness which has no inner reality and they cross in their progress one by one that track of holes that runs to the rim of the visible ground and which seems less the pursuit of some continuance than the verification of a principle, a validation of sequence and causality as if each round and perfect hole owed its existence to the one before it there on that prairie upon which are the bones and the gatherers of bones and those who do not gather. He strikes fire in the hole and draws out his steel. Then they all move on again.
In the end, it all means nothing anyway. The answer is that there is no answer.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
a fighting chance
I just feel absolutely gutted.
If you would just day you love me, and that you think we can do this, I would move mountains for you.
My love is there. It's here, right now, this palpable thing that you rejected, and that I want to give back to you. It doesn't belong to me; it's yours.
If you would just day you love me, and that you think we can do this, I would move mountains for you.
My love is there. It's here, right now, this palpable thing that you rejected, and that I want to give back to you. It doesn't belong to me; it's yours.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
futility, or maybe not
I don't care what anyone says...I'm going to fight this to the bitter end. I think I'm right, and I'd hate myself if I ever thought that I gave up before exhausting everything I had to give.
I love her. What else can I do? That's love, I guess. I'll put every single aspect of myself out there, and then I'll still keep trying. Because I love her, and I could never live with not giving more than I even knew I had to try and save this. It might kill me, might tear my soul out by the roots. At least I'll know that I did all I could, and then some.
For love.
I love her. What else can I do? That's love, I guess. I'll put every single aspect of myself out there, and then I'll still keep trying. Because I love her, and I could never live with not giving more than I even knew I had to try and save this. It might kill me, might tear my soul out by the roots. At least I'll know that I did all I could, and then some.
For love.
Lost
I wish I had a coffemaker right next to my bad. That way I could stay in bed all day today. There is nothing that sounds appealing to me, not riding or reading or walking or anything. I know I'm not going to sleep more either, but I wish I could. That would at least make the day go by quicker. That's all I want, for the day just to be over already.
This isn't me. What the hell has happened to me?
This isn't me. What the hell has happened to me?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Something I heard in a song...
"Saints are just sinners who fell back down, and got back up."
Something I heard in a song today that just made me think, I guess. Or maybe made me feel a little better about life. I'm no saint, not by a long shot; can't imagine myself ever being one after some of the things that I have done. But I can at least get some encouragement out of that, and out of at least trying to do better than I've managed to do in the past. Is it cheesy? Hell yes it is. But it made me feel better for a while.
Funny thought I just had: I'm willing to bet today, january 2nd, is one of the highest traffic days for both creating new blogs, and for posting on long underutilized ones. New year's resolutions and what not. Might not be my motivation right now, but what the hell, i'll join the crowd anyway.
Off to drink sleepytime tea and start reading "the sea, the sea".
Something I heard in a song today that just made me think, I guess. Or maybe made me feel a little better about life. I'm no saint, not by a long shot; can't imagine myself ever being one after some of the things that I have done. But I can at least get some encouragement out of that, and out of at least trying to do better than I've managed to do in the past. Is it cheesy? Hell yes it is. But it made me feel better for a while.
Funny thought I just had: I'm willing to bet today, january 2nd, is one of the highest traffic days for both creating new blogs, and for posting on long underutilized ones. New year's resolutions and what not. Might not be my motivation right now, but what the hell, i'll join the crowd anyway.
Off to drink sleepytime tea and start reading "the sea, the sea".
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