my brain just swelled up...

My brain's not done yet today I guess...

This here, I feel like, is the start of something. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm starting in motion some sort of process that's going to allow me to develop my....self, I guess. I've always gotten this feeling that there's something else i need to be doing, something creative, something artistic. I think I've found so much interest in the scientific end of the world that somewhere the creative end of my cord got frayed. I keep pulling at strand and getting pieces, but there's more of it out there. It's an odd feeling sometimes, thinking that I have this well of something, but I don't know quite how to access it yet. It's there, though I don't have a firm definition of what exactly 'it' is, or what it'll do. It's an eye for the way light and figures interact, a way to covey that into words, an interpretation of those ideas into some other tangible form. There will be times that I'll be thinking, considering, writing out straight from my mind without a filter that I'll feel it flexing itself, pushing me. It becomes a palpable swelling in my body, a deep flowing in my ind. A sort of deep...not calm, but almost certainty will settle over me, and I'll just go. It's where the stories that develop the best come from, the ones that ring truest and most honest. They are honest, and driven by something that's at the same time ephemeral. I can't always go to that well, but when I can, I know something special is happening. I don't know If there's other ways for me to tap into those waters, to harness the energy and flow that make those moments. There are times i feel as though i have some sort of dulled blade, and occasionally it's sharpened without my knowing until i draw it across the cloth and the cut is incredibly fine and true. A clouded window, a parting of cloud to reveal the horizon. Something difficult to name, harder to grasp. It's at the same time inspiring and frustrating - i want it to be there all the time, at my disposal. I don't want to have just occasions when i can dip into that well. I guess that comes full circle to the whole point of this writing exercise. To familiarize myself with something of mine that's languished for years, hunting down all the frayed ends of that cord, reweaving it into something accessible when and where i want it.

Phew. That was a mouthful.

Ok, back to work.